i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
