Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
