i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
