My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
