I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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