I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
