Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
