ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
