we have pet lesbian snakes
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
