I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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