So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
