you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.