I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
