Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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