I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
