sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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