he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
