her vagine was all disorganized.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
