And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
