alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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