Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
