Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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