sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green