chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix