I don't think brook has ever known best
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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