i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
