I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
