how can u be prego again
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
