Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
