that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
never play flip cup with pint glasses
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
