Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
