Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
