I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
