I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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