You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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