you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
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my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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