I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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