We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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