I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
