Texts From Last Night

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  (914): View more from New York

  you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

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  (914): you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/cp2f
  Replies (21) Good night (1189) Bad night (6995)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.

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  (630): She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her. http://tfl.nu/01f3
  Replies (12) Good night (5724) Bad night (568)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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  (715): so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game? http://tfl.nu/evbk
  Replies (317) Good night (7189) Bad night (1757)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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  (214): I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?" http://tfl.nu/quj5
  Replies (15) Good night (7273) Bad night (867)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

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  (402): Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job. http://tfl.nu/cd1b
  Replies (15) Good night (2512) Bad night (1050)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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  (503): im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night http://tfl.nu/l78r
  Replies (4) Good night (2741) Bad night (719)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle

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  (919): my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle http://tfl.nu/ki3d
  Replies (3) Good night (899) Bad night (2630)
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  (323): View more from California

  Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

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  (323): Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/6rmt
  Replies (9) Good night (1440) Bad night (1142)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk

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  (709): we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk http://tfl.nu/yaqj
  Replies (11) Good night (810) Bad night (1817)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?

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  (410): fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up? http://tfl.nu/rzhf
  Replies (3) Good night (581) Bad night (1360)
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor

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  (574): I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor http://tfl.nu/63e2
  Replies (1) Good night (849) Bad night (1133)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I pray for you bro.

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  (609): I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place. (215): I pray for you bro. http://tfl.nu/qs2m
  Replies (1) Good night (310) Bad night (617)
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  She looks like a beluga.

  (954): View more from Florida

  I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"

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  (941): She looks like a beluga. (954): I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched" http://tfl.nu/1qo8
  Replies (1) Good night (386) Bad night (317)
• Favorite

  (+57): View more from

  I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.

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  (+57): I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird. http://tfl.nu/r46z
  Replies (5) Good night (762) Bad night (266)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.

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  (636): I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic. http://tfl.nu/a1yu
  Replies (1) Good night (802) Bad night (209)

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