u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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