she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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