i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
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Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.