My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
