The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
