remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
