You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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