Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
