i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
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Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
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All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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