Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
