I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
