can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
