Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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