Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
