good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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