He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
