What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
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you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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