just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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