I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
