She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
