I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
