Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
